20100305
20100302
Hand Tools
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh, S---!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race..
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.
Son of a bitch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh, S---!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race..
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.
Son of a bitch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
20100301
Growing Up Without A Cell Phone
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...
Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard
I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up
ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ
would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were
no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite
tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone
rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house,
you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out
of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror...
not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING.
Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your
boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just
didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were
no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And
you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO
REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL
WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we
had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh,
no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back
inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you
hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the
chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head
hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in
the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...
Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard
I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up
ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ
would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were
no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite
tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone
rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house,
you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out
of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror...
not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING.
Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your
boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just
didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were
no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And
you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO
REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL
WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we
had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh,
no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back
inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you
hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the
chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head
hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in
the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
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